The Elf Club

The cinema was packed and hot, when I went with my best friend
The second time I went alone, as I did until the end

The final showing came in March, bereft, I left the room
Cast from a world of light and elves to one of mundane gloom

No more Elrond, Arwen’s gone, they’re lost within the light
But suddenly a shape appeared, so tall, so slim, so bright…

“If you want some Elvish action”, he said in ringing tones
“Come and join our Elf Club, we’ve all got high cheek bones.”

I paid my dues and duly went, several times a week
I slimmed and starved and tried to gain a tall and slim physique

The more I used the treadmill, the hungrier I got
I ate well in the Elf Food bar. Slimmer? I was not…

As I worked out and did more weights my blubber turned to muscle
My bum got bigger every day, a true Victorian bustle.

“Nothing works!” I cried out to my skinny Elvish trainer
So he prescribed more steroids – “D’oh! That is a no-brainer!”

Bristles sprouted, fur abounded, I’m short and wide and hairy
I’ll never be an Elvish Queen or even a petite fairy.

Ten months spent at the Elf Club as an aspiring ectomorph
Led straight into disaster – I’ve turned into a dwarf.

Copyright Jeanette Greaves, March 2002

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