The cinema was packed and hot, when I went with my best friend
\nThe second time I went alone, as I did until the end<\/p>\n
The final showing came in March, bereft, I left the room
\nCast from a world of light and elves to one of mundane gloom<\/p>\n
No more Elrond, Arwen’s gone, they’re lost within the light
\nBut suddenly a shape appeared, so tall, so slim, so bright…<\/p>\n
“If you want some Elvish action”, he said in ringing tones
\n“Come and join our Elf Club, we’ve all got high cheek bones.”<\/p>\n
I paid my dues and duly went, several times a week
\nI slimmed and starved and tried to gain a tall and slim physique<\/p>\n
The more I used the treadmill, the hungrier I got
\nI ate well in the Elf Food bar. Slimmer? I was not…<\/p>\n
As I worked out and did more weights my blubber turned to muscle
\nMy bum got bigger every day, a true Victorian bustle.<\/p>\n
“Nothing works!” I cried out to my skinny Elvish trainer
\nSo he prescribed more steroids – “D’oh! That is a no-brainer!”<\/p>\n
Bristles sprouted, fur abounded, I’m short and wide and hairy
\nI’ll never be an Elvish Queen or even a petite fairy.<\/p>\n
Ten months spent at the Elf Club as an aspiring ectomorph
\nLed straight into disaster – I’ve turned into a dwarf.<\/p>\n
Copyright Jeanette Greaves, March 2002<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The cinema was packed and hot, when I went with my best friend The second time I went alone, as I did until the end The final showing came in March, bereft, I left the room Cast from a world … Continue reading